Oh, the things I could accomplish if my brain wasn't clogged with all these rants and useless and bits of information. Anyway, I had fun writing these. Please feel free to respond...
1-
1-
If you're a musician against peer-to-peer file sharing, then you must be opposed to letting ordinary people listen to your music. So why are you making music if you don't want anyone to hear it?
2- It drives me crazy every time I hear about Jimmy Page suing another musician over copyright-infringement. Will someone please smack him in the face with every blues riff that he stole from Robert Johnson, Muddy Waters, Buddy Guy, and B.B. King?
3-
Bob Dylan, "Maggie's Farm" rocks, but your time is up. Please stop touring. Some strange cosmic alteration of the space-time continuum has allowed you to survive the drug-laden 60s. You cheated death by surviving that motorcycle accident. Please, age gracefully. Nobody wants to watch your band's lead guitarists go back and forth playing lame solos to each other while you sleep onstage with your eyes open.
4-
It's not the Dave Matthews Band's fault that they were chosen as background music for drinking until some jerk pukes on his girlfriend's little sister, who probably puked on her boyfriend's older brother somewhere in between a 25-minute rendition of "Tripping Billies" and an acoustic version of "Satellite".
5- Did you know that Jimmy Eat World is Christian Rock in disguise?
6- I would really like to know if American Idol shock-judge Simon Cowell has any musical talent at all.
7- Jann Wenner, editor-in-chief of Rolling Stone magazine, has made it his life mission to keep the Doobie Brothers from being inducted into the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame--I wholeheartedly support his efforts.
8- Say what you want about Beyonce, but her performance of "At Last" at Obama's Inaugeration Ball was fucking phenomenal.
9- Just because the Ramones only play 3 chords in a song doesn't mean they aren't extremely talented musicians.
10- Did you know that tennis-player/pro-crybaby John McEnroe is in a band with his brother Patrick, called "We've Never Heard Of You Either"?
11- Reprise Records paid alt-country band Wilco $85,000 to record their 4th album, Yankee Hotel Foxtrot. When the label decided the album sucked, they let the band keep the album-rights and take it to another label, Nonesuch Records, for FREE. The album was eventually released for free on the band's website, and still managed to sell over 500,000 copies worldwide. Nonesuch Records and Wilco both continue to make money off an album that another label paid for.
12-
Virgin Records paid Mariah Carey $20 million to shut up and go away. Talk about a lucrative business opportunity--pissing people off with your disgustingly narcissistic personality until they are forced to pay you obnoxious amounts of money just to ensure that you'll never speak to them again.
13- I'm sorry if this offends anyone, but Coldplay is the most overrated band on the planet. "Clocks" is a pretty good song, I must admit, but on the whole, they do absolutely nothing for me. If I want to hear a Radiohead cover band, I'll listen to Meeting In The Aisle, or Radiodread.
14- "sellout" n. 1: Sheryl Crow posing in a cheap hotel room in a 'got milk?' print advertisement with the cover of her most recent album mysteriously floating in space at the bottom of the ad. 2: Coldplay lead singer, Chris Martin, naming his newborn baby "Apple" and pretending that the corporate super-giant won't eventually use his baby to sell ipods and macbooks.
15- Those ipod ads with the people dancing around uncontrollably are probably the only ads that actually live up to their claim.
16- Don't judge hip-hop music by what is played on the radio.
17-
Gotta give M.I.A. credit for continuing her tour while could-pop-at-any-second pregnant. Definitely put a new spin on that whole "playing classical music through headphones placed on the womb" thing.
18- Only ipods that are sold in America are allowed to blast music through your ears as loud as they do. In every other country, strict decibel-limits are placed on the volume levels of any ipod sold within their country, in the interest of public health. Sorry, uh, were you saying something? What's "public health"?
19- Have you ever seen the Flaming Lips in concert? If not, do it.
20-
It would be one thing if Michael Jackson was only accused of sexual molestation two times. Or three. Or even four. But SEVEN TIMES? It would also be different if he didn't have a paradise dude ranch in the middle of fucking nowhere called "Neverland" where there are no parents to be found, and the children all sleep in the same bed with him, hopped up on Jesus Juice. It would also be different if they hadn't caught him on camera reaching down a little boy's pants. Seriously, there must be a clause somewhere in basic Child Protection Laws that reads something like this: "All laws involving corruption of a minor shall be forgiven if the defendant satisfies all three of the following conditions: 1- build a strong case for declaring yourself the King of Pop by recording timeless songs such as "PYT", "Don't Stop Til You Get Enough", and "Billie Jean". 2- Declare yourself the King of Pop. 3- Establish yourself as a complete nutjob, and convince the world that it doesn't count as child molestation if you are, at heart, still a child."
21- Beethoven, who lit a fire under the asses of 18th-century music lovers by turning classical music into metal, is the freakin man! He wrote entire symphonies when he couldn't even hear!
22- There are a few bands whose songs all sound the same, but they ALL rock, especially in concert. AC/DC, Flogging Molly, and Primus come to mind.
23-
"Heartless" by Kanye West. Good song? I think so. That synth-panpipe backbeat rhythm is bananas (frozen and dipped in chocolate, like the kind sold at Bluth's Banana Stand). But 40 times a day on every radio station in the city for who-knows-how-many months? Too much. Might as well start a new radio station in Philly: "W-EST. All Heartless. All the Time." Somewhere, Kanye's ex-girlfriend is sitting on her couch while another Bose-stereo blasts this "Fuck-You, woman!" song through the walls of a neighbor's apartment, crying herself to sleep when it is quite possible that Kanye-"I LOVE myself! Sorry, honey, were you saying something?"-West was the heartless one in the situation, whatever it was that actually happened.
24- "Do you have the time, to listen to me whine, about nothing and everything all aaaaat once?" No wonder my parents didn't want me listening to Green Day, aside from this song appearing on an album which was basically named "Piece of Poop". At least Nirvana had the decency to change its original name (Human Feces) to something happy and wonderful-- as an added bonus, the name-change added a new word to the vocabulary of depressed teens throughout the nation. I unashamedly admit that I didn't know the meaning of the word until I was in 8th grade, when some awkward pimply-faced skater kid said to me "Did you know that 'nirvana' is actually a word?" and I said "No it's not, you stupid awkward pimply-faced skater kid whose facial hair I am secretly jealous of, Kurt Cobain made it up when he was sleeping on the side of the road next to his guitar."
25-
"It's not Boh-no, it's Bah-no, and this is my guitarist, The Edge."
"Nice to meet you, Edge."
"Actually, it's 'the' Edge."
"Sorry. Hey Bono, what's with the sunglasses?"
"Actually, they're flunglasses."
"Flunglasses?"
"Yes, I'm always getting bombarded with flash photography wherever I go, so I need to wear them or I will go blind."
"Is that why you wear them when you're visiting third-world villages, because of all the blinding flashes from the relentless third-world paparazzi?"
"Yes, it's quite bothersome, actually."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
