25 Ways To Show Pittsburgh Pride Without Buying a Steelers Jersey

Not everyone has the money to buy a Steelers jersey, 

so I found some alternative ways to show the world your Pittsburgh Pride.

1.  Buy these glasses, see the world in SteelerVision.

2.  Get some new kicks at Payless.

3.  Have little Baby Hines wear an outfit he'll outgrow in 2 weeks.

4.  Sing about your umbrella, date Chris Brown, get famous, 

wear black and gold on your way to the club.

5.  Join the Army.

6.  Do the Terrible Truffle Shuffle.

7.  Paint the sky black and gold.

8.  Do the "Steeler Stumble" in 4-inch heels.

9.  Start a parade in sub-zero weather.

10.  Be the butt of all Mexican jokes on an animated television series.

11.  Kill some people, get acquitted.  

Break into a hotel room, wear a Steelers hat on your second trip to court.

12.  Be the "Bee Girl" on the cover of a 90s rock album and music video.

13.  Start a farm, raise some Black and Gold chicks.

14.  Build a birdhaase for young hot chicks (see #13).

15.  Profess your love for PYT (pretty young things) 

while wearing Black and Gold before 25,000 fans.

16.  Travel to comic book conventions in a Halloween 

costume you stole from your 10-year-old son.

17.  Fight evil robots in rock quarries, 

change your name to the "Black and Gold Ranger".

18.  Start a one-man parade.

19.  Win a beauty pageant.

20.  Stab humans, fly away smiling.

21.  Start a groundhog-worshipping cult, 

wave your Terrible Towel before 25,000 drunk townies.

22.  Pose in a nude centerfold for National Geographic.

23.  Start a War On Terror against the Browns.

24.  Be Batman.

25.  Write a song.

Post some more!

Half-notes: 25 on the music industry

Oh, the things I could accomplish if my brain wasn't clogged with all these rants and useless and bits of information. Anyway, I had fun writing these. Please feel free to respond...


1- 

If you're a musician against peer-to-peer file sharing, then you must be opposed to letting ordinary people listen to your music. So why are you making music if you don't want anyone to hear it?


2- It drives me crazy every time I hear about Jimmy Page suing another musician over copyright-infringement. Will someone please smack him in the face with every blues riff that he stole from Robert Johnson, Muddy Waters, Buddy Guy, and B.B. King?


3- 

Bob Dylan, "Maggie's Farm" rocks, but your time is up. Please stop touring. Some strange cosmic alteration of the space-time continuum has allowed you to survive the drug-laden 60s. You cheated death by surviving that motorcycle accident. Please, age gracefully. Nobody wants to watch your band's lead guitarists go back and forth playing lame solos to each other while you sleep onstage with your eyes open.


4- 

It's not the Dave Matthews Band's fault that they were chosen as background music for drinking until some jerk pukes on his girlfriend's little sister, who probably puked on her boyfriend's older brother somewhere in between a 25-minute rendition of "Tripping Billies" and an acoustic version of "Satellite".


5- Did you know that Jimmy Eat World is Christian Rock in disguise?


6- I would really like to know if American Idol shock-judge Simon Cowell has any musical talent at all.


7- Jann Wenner, editor-in-chief of Rolling Stone magazine, has made it his life mission to keep the Doobie Brothers from being inducted into the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame--I wholeheartedly support his efforts.


8- Say what you want about Beyonce, but her performance of "At Last" at Obama's Inaugeration Ball was fucking phenomenal.


9- Just because the Ramones only play 3 chords in a song doesn't mean they aren't extremely talented musicians.


10- Did you know that tennis-player/pro-crybaby John McEnroe is in a band with his brother Patrick, called "We've Never Heard Of You Either"?


11- Reprise Records paid alt-country band Wilco $85,000 to record their 4th album, Yankee Hotel Foxtrot. When the label decided the album sucked, they let the band keep the album-rights and take it to another label, Nonesuch Records, for FREE. The album was eventually released for free on the band's website, and still managed to sell over 500,000 copies worldwide. Nonesuch Records and Wilco both continue to make money off an album that another label paid for.


12- 

Virgin Records paid Mariah Carey $20 million to shut up and go away. Talk about a lucrative business opportunity--pissing people off with your disgustingly narcissistic personality until they are forced to pay you obnoxious amounts of money just to ensure that you'll never speak to them again.


13- I'm sorry if this offends anyone, but Coldplay is the most overrated band on the planet. "Clocks" is a pretty good song, I must admit, but on the whole, they do absolutely nothing for me. If I want to hear a Radiohead cover band, I'll listen to Meeting In The Aisle, or Radiodread.


14- "sellout" n. 1: Sheryl Crow posing in a cheap hotel room in a 'got milk?' print advertisement with the cover of her most recent album mysteriously floating in space at the bottom of the ad. 2: Coldplay lead singer, Chris Martin, naming his newborn baby "Apple" and pretending that the corporate super-giant won't eventually use his baby to sell ipods and macbooks.


15- Those ipod ads with the people dancing around uncontrollably are probably the only ads that actually live up to their claim.


16- Don't judge hip-hop music by what is played on the radio.


17-

Gotta give M.I.A. credit for continuing her tour while could-pop-at-any-second pregnant. Definitely put a new spin on that whole "playing classical music through headphones placed on the womb" thing.


18- Only ipods that are sold in America are allowed to blast music through your ears as loud as they do. In every other country, strict decibel-limits are placed on the volume levels of any ipod sold within their country, in the interest of public health. Sorry, uh, were you saying something? What's "public health"?


19- Have you ever seen the Flaming Lips in concert? If not, do it.


20- 

It would be one thing if Michael Jackson was only accused of sexual molestation two times. Or three. Or even four. But SEVEN TIMES? It would also be different if he didn't have a paradise dude ranch in the middle of fucking nowhere called "Neverland" where there are no parents to be found, and the children all sleep in the same bed with him, hopped up on Jesus Juice. It would also be different if they hadn't caught him on camera reaching down a little boy's pants. Seriously, there must be a clause somewhere in basic Child Protection Laws that reads something like this: "All laws involving corruption of a minor shall be forgiven if the defendant satisfies all three of the following conditions: 1- build a strong case for declaring yourself the King of Pop by recording timeless songs such as "PYT", "Don't Stop Til You Get Enough", and "Billie Jean". 2- Declare yourself the King of Pop. 3- Establish yourself as a complete nutjob, and convince the world that it doesn't count as child molestation if you are, at heart, still a child."


21- Beethoven, who lit a fire under the asses of 18th-century music lovers by turning classical music into metal, is the freakin man! He wrote entire symphonies when he couldn't even hear!


22- There are a few bands whose songs all sound the same, but they ALL rock, especially in concert. AC/DC, Flogging Molly, and Primus come to mind.


23- 

"Heartless" by Kanye West. Good song? I think so. That synth-panpipe backbeat rhythm is bananas (frozen and dipped in chocolate, like the kind sold at Bluth's Banana Stand). But 40 times a day on every radio station in the city for who-knows-how-many months? Too much. Might as well start a new radio station in Philly: "W-EST. All Heartless. All the Time." Somewhere, Kanye's ex-girlfriend is sitting on her couch while another Bose-stereo blasts this "Fuck-You, woman!" song through the walls of a neighbor's apartment, crying herself to sleep when it is quite possible that Kanye-"I LOVE myself! Sorry, honey, were you saying something?"-West was the heartless one in the situation, whatever it was that actually happened.


24- "Do you have the time, to listen to me whine, about nothing and everything all aaaaat once?" No wonder my parents didn't want me listening to Green Day, aside from this song appearing on an album which was basically named "Piece of Poop". At least Nirvana had the decency to change its original name (Human Feces) to something happy and wonderful-- as an added bonus, the name-change added a new word to the vocabulary of depressed teens throughout the nation. I unashamedly admit that I didn't know the meaning of the word until I was in 8th grade, when some awkward pimply-faced skater kid said to me "Did you know that 'nirvana' is actually a word?" and I said "No it's not, you stupid awkward pimply-faced skater kid whose facial hair I am secretly jealous of, Kurt Cobain made it up when he was sleeping on the side of the road next to his guitar."


25-

"It's not Boh-no, it's Bah-no, and this is my guitarist, The Edge." 
"Nice to meet you, Edge."
"Actually, it's 'the' Edge."
"Sorry. Hey Bono, what's with the sunglasses?"
"Actually, they're flunglasses."
"Flunglasses?"
"Yes, I'm always getting bombarded with flash photography wherever I go, so I need to wear them or I will go blind."
"Is that why you wear them when you're visiting third-world villages, because of all the blinding flashes from the relentless third-world paparazzi?"
"Yes, it's quite bothersome, actually."
"I'm sorry to hear that."

Max's-Brain Stew (25 Ingredients)

Some people think the "25 things" is stupid, but I had fun with this one, so enjoy...

1. What you see in this world is usually not how things are.

2. Radiohead is my favorite band that still makes music, but I won't dare say that they are "better" than your favorite band.

3. Listen to "Exile On Main St" by the Rolling Stones- goes best with whiskey.

4. "Back in Black" by AC/DC should come with bail money. So should whiskey.

5. Since when did it become okay to judge a movie by how much money it makes on its opening night?

6. There are some baseball fans that justify steroid-use because without them, we would have less homeruns (i.e. less "long balls"). If this is the case, why don't they just change the dimensions of the ballpark, just like they did for hockey after someone woke up and said "Uh, Guys? This hockey-shit is really f-ing boring. Why don't we make it easier for them to score?" Can't we do the same thing for baseball? Just make the field smaller, the bats bigger, and the distance between the bases shorter. "But noooooo, baseball is a "pure", "American", pastime- we can't do that! But please, shoot me in the butt with libido-UNenhancement, forehead-ENhancement drugs from illegal cartels in Tijuana for a few extra homeruns, now that's what I call American!

7. And since when does winning an American sports championship equate to being the "World" Champsion? You can call yourselves "World Champions" when you allow international teams to compete against you in American sports leagues. Especially you, NBA! Did you even advance to the medal rounds of the 2008 Summer Olympics?

8. You cannot compare Pittsburgh and Philadelphia. They are two completely different cities. One is better at football. The other is better at getting fat. While they do each take turns competing for each title, we all know that the Steelers are better than the Eagles, and the Cheesesteak (when made properly) is fatter than a Primanti's sandwich. Regardless, both teams are enjoyable to watch, and both sandwiches are enjoyable to eat.

9. Language changes as words develop into everyday conversation. Get used to it. All you people that claim "ain't" ain't a word? People use it, it has a universally-accepted spelling AND usage, so doesn't that make it, by definition, a word? It developed from saying "isn't" but sloppily and lazily. There was a time when all contractions (such as "isn't") were not considered real words, but it became an accepted way of speaking and writing due to popularity. So, deal with it.

10. "Fuck the Steelers". Why are people going around saying this? It can't be because they suck. Didn't they win the Super Bowl or something? Like SIX times, more than any other team? I'd really like to hear someone say, "Good job, Steelers, way to represent Pennsylvania, you earned it."

11. The new Comcast building is atrocious. Did it really have to be that big? But hey, I probably would've said the same thing about Liberty One and Liberty Two back when they were built, and I probably would've said the same thing about City Hall back when it towered over the city at a whopping two-stories above sea level.

12. Seriously, I have to do TWENTY-FIVE of these things?

13. I was amazed to learn today that in Italy (and many other countries), the role of commas and decimal points, when writing numbers, is reversed. Once again, America had to make things difficult. Go figure.

14. Speaking of, it's about time we converted to the metric system. Give me ONE good reason why not (I do agree that "it would take time to get used to it" is a perfectly good explanation of American ignorance and laziness, but this does not count as a good reason).

15. "Charlie Goes America All Over Everybody's Ass" is one of the best titles of any Television Show episode I have seen in a very long time.

16. Arrested Development is the most ingeniously-written television show I have seen in a very long time. "More ingeniously-written than Golden Girls?", you say? Yes, my friends, more ingeniously-written than Golden Girls.

17. The theme song to "Diff'rent Strokes" is the absolute BEST theme song. (well, it works for me, and if it doesn't work for you, as the song says, "What might be right for you, may not be right for some..."

18. I'd like to live in Italy for a while.

19. I like coffee, wine, and pizza (see #18).

20. A business is not a bunch of assholes for "overpricing" their products. Nobody's holding a gun up to anyone's head at Citizens Bank Park saying "you MUST buy this $7 Budweiser while watching the game". They're saying, "if you want a beer, it costs $7". Don't like it? Don't buy it. Or maybe look into buying one of these:   http://www.thebeerbelly.com/

21. Got lies? Believe it or not, milk is actually pretty bad for you.

22. Imagine if all cars were built like giant steel balls* and were powered by the natural magnetic field of the Earth, and never having to pay for gas, EVER. Or accidents- we would be invincible!

23. People, stop using Wikipedia as a primary source of information! It's like citing the guy walking down the street who you overheard saying, "Man, did you know that eating 3 pounds of bacon every morning is actually good for you?"

24. What happened between Chris Brown and Rihanna is between Chris Brown and Rihanna (see #1).

25. Believe it or not, SEPTA is pretty good at what they do. Try living in Pittsburgh for a while, then you'll know what I'm talking about.

26. I don't believe in "beating the system" (see #12).


*original basis for this idea borrowed from Ben Pelta-Heller, who threw this idea at me somewhere in between the third and fourth floor of Central High School, on the way to Biology class, sometime between the year 2000 and 2001.

on Nader's "Uncle Tom" comment...

"You know, [Nader's] a great guy and all and he's done some great things for this country, but my question now is, 'What have you done for me lately?'" --Professor Ericksen

Following the election, Ralph Nader commented on the extraordinary amount of campaign funding that Barack Obama received from large corporations such as Microsoft and JP Morgan. He said,

"his choice, basically, is whether he’s going to be Uncle Sam for the people of this country, or Uncle Tom for the giant corporations who are running America into the ground."

Whoa there Ralphie! These political contributions came from individual people who chose to fund his campaign based on the goals he set forth. They happened to work for large corporations. Yes, you could say that Obama has, by association, been corrupted by major corporate interests, but that's like saying, "if you take out a mortgage from PNC Bank, a giant corporation has loaned you a home, therefore you are, by association, evil and corrupt." On another note, PNC Bank is financing my $12,000/year college education. Does that make me evil and corrupt? No. Using Nader's logic, will I turn my back on all half-Filipinos if I get a job that pays well? Definitely not, but according to Nader's logic, since I have student loans from large corporations, he would feel obligated to warn the half-Filipinos of Philadelphia that they're in danger of "Uncle Max" becoming "Uncle Kim-Jong-Il."

Bad logic, Nader.

Secondly, the use of "Uncle Tom" is specifically reserved as a derogatory term for a black person who turns his back on his own people upon rising to a position of power. No, Ralph Nader did not actually call Obama an "Uncle Tom", but by using the term in direct reference to Obama, he did two things:

1- accused Obama of being corrupted by large corporations
2- revived the use of a derogatory term reserved for African-Americans

I believe in free speech, and yes, Ralph Nader, you are entitled to your opinion. But as a public figure, we as a population are entitled to judge your opinion. We can assume, based on what we know about you, that you were actually saying this:

1- "Obama is evil because he took money from individuals that work for large corporations"
2- "It's great that he's our first African-American president, but I really think that he's going to betray his people in the long run and sell out to large corporations."
3- "Screw the fact that I'm using a racist term, I'm just gonna go ahead and say it."

The point is, the term is based on skin color, and is therefore a racial slur. As a public figure, Nader has a responsibility to avoid the perpetuation of racism. While no one has the right to say that Nader "shouldn't have said that" it was definitely inappropriate, and if he's going to pull the race-card on national TV, he should be prepared to face criticism for it.

Ralph Nader, I beg you to retract this comment. You are indeed a good-hearted politician and one of our greatest modern thinkers and activists, but please, think about what you've said. I will continue to support your work, but I will never support this comment.

welcome to my well hung world!

I'm starting this blog because lately, my brain has been rather clogged with thoughts on this world that I would really like to share with the rest of the world, and hopefully get some feedback from other inhabitants of this planet we call "Erf". My rants will be random, my tangents will delve deep into the world of meaninglessness--but hey, isn't that what the Internet is for?